I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
