I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
