cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize