we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
