i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
