You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
