So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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