Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
