If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
