I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
