I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
