hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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