last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
