my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
