Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
