he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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