A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
