1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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