doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
