please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
found the other keg... it's in the tree
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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