Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
