Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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