My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
