Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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