I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
