We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize