drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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