I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
