Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
