i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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