I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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