so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
