After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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