when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
