i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
