it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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