Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize