Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
