I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So vagazzling was a success
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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