and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
