My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
