he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize