she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
