Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
