We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
