If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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