I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
