My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
