Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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