Your dad touched me again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
