So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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