My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
