I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
