shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
