And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she peed on how many people?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
