Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
