I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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