When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize