I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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