Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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