no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
