I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
