i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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