Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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