i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Its about making memories worth repressing
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
